How you know when your spouse is gonna kill you

Amnesiac here.

Detective first grade.

Your spouse wants to ‘do you in’.

I know, from watching dozens of episodes of Forensic Files, that this be true.

Let us take a looky see.

Spouse goes out to get milk, comes back in 4 hours, face flushed.  Says she had to go to 7 stores to get the milk. Zero eye contact.

Much conversation about a guy named Ricky (always Ricky, OK maybe Rico), who is a handyman, insurance salesman, football coach, or your brother.

Reads text messages in private, then giggles.

Always, always, always takes out a million dollar life insurance policy on you.  Did I say always?  This is Forensic Files rule number one.

And you say,  “Amnesiac, police are always suspicious about large insurance policies.”

I know that.  Doesn’t matter.  Spouse does it anyway.

So how are you done in? The guy who lives down the street who was on parole is always a good choice. But the way I like is tampering with your car so the brakes don’t work, then making an anonymous call to your cell phone indicating that your spouse has been in a terrible accident and you need to rush to the hospital. Of course, you do rush to the hospital, your brakes fail, and you spectacularly crash into Quickie Mart, where you are beheaded.

After a waiting period of about a week, spouse and Ricky and your kids move to Florida. if your local police are enormously stupid, they will just attribute your death to a freak accident.

About this time, you are saying, “Amnesiac, you are watching too much Forensic Files.”

That is silly. I only watch it 20 hours a day. The other 4 hours I watch Fox News, not because the news is any good, but I like the women.

If your spouse is acting suspicious, give me a call, I can help.

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