I am so smart.
And you know I am.
You see, I joined Ashley Madison.
You know, that’s the cheaters website. The site that your minister, lawyer, and, perhaps, husband, joined. All looking for nasty, cheatin’ love.
And since the site has been recently hacked and cheaters exposed, millions of sexual refugees are running away, many claiming they were just ‘curious’ and never really cheated.
So this is where smarty pants me comes in.
While all others were fleeing Ashley Madison, I joined. With millions of weaselly cheaters running away, I now have all the women on the site to myself!
I have my choice of women, tall, short, long legs (oh my!), blonde, brunette, hairy, midget, etc.
So I hook up. Such flirty, naughty repartee!
Arrange to meet my partner at my love pad.
Goodness, much house cleaning! Chinese food cartons to fill a large dumpster! Dust bunnies! Unidentified goo.
And me! New underwear! A bath!
My Ashley girl, Sheila, shows at my door.
Oh my! She looks like Spooge’s wife from Breaking Bad.
Had no idea you could get tattoos ‘ down there’.
And it looks like she left more than a few teeth under her pillow at night.
Her personal image did not match her posted pic of a college cheerleader.
Well, I wasn’t going to let my initial disappointment stop me from ‘finding love’. I invited Sheila to my couch. Start snuggling.
Knock at the door. I answer.
A 7 foot tall man named Rasheed tells me that Sheila works for him and I better cough up 200 bucks.
I nervously toss 50’s at Rasheed.
But then, ahhh, back to Sheila. At this point, Sheila has tossed down 2 dozen hot wings and a 12 pack of Sam Adams…which leads to a serious case of the cramps.
And, of course, cramps leads to a serious case of ‘I’m not in the mood’.
Sheila tells me that she needs to leave, she never hired a baby sitter for her 6 month old….and she needs 100 bucks for the ride.
So, I am out 300 bucks thus far.
And no serious sexual savagery.
Very disappointed, but not giving up on Ashley Madison.
Meeting Gina next week at my house.
But this time I’m leaving the Chinese food cartons on the floor.