What I know about the presidential candidates, that you don’t know

Bernie Sanders is the Long Island Jewish kid I smoked pot with on campus in 1968.

Hillary Clinton is the lady who sat at my mother’s kitchen table sipping coffee, as I came home from school.  She would size up the place, thinking of foreclosure.

Ted Cruz was the insurance salesman who tried to talk my dad into flood and earthquake insurance, even though we were landlocked, and lived in New York.

Ben Carson was the kid that sat in the front of the class, got the best grades, and got the shit kicked out of him everyday.

Marco Rubio is the seemingly nice butcher who would actually place his thumb on the pork chops when weighing them for your purchase.

George Pataki was the old dude on the park bench who snored, drooled, and released gaseous noises.

Chris Christie was the kid who lived in the big house, had all the toys he wanted, and stole your chocolate cake at lunchtime when you went up to buy milk.

Donald Trump was the kid who bullied you in seventh grade, for one reason only, because it gave him an enormous erection that lasted for hours.

Jeb Bush was the Eagle Scout who always did the right thing, but was constantly compared to his fuck up brother George, which proved problematic.

Mike Huckabee was known as Smilin’ Mike, and he had the enviable ability to do the coolest whistles that pierced the night air.

Rand Paul worked as an unpaid assistant to the school librarian, and he would pick school lockers to search for overdue library books, then leave a bill for the fine amount due.

Carly Fiorina was actually Sister Carly of the Catholic School, who snapped a ruler on the unsuspecting knuckles of third graders, leaving permanent arthritic injury.


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