Eephus, who refers to himself as ‘Eephus’, was exhausted after a day of hiding behind the candy display at Wegman’s snapping pictures of welfare mommas gnoshing on Hershey bars…
The great American shame! That was a buck fifty of his hard earned Ebay dollars wasted!
E checked the mailbox at his trailer park, and found a check..for 50,000 monopoly dollars, made out to him, his wife Condoleeza, and his children Cartman and Lisa.
‘Hon-eeeeeee! We just got a check for eleventy million dollars from our Precious leader…signed by him, in his own handwriting..you know that up and down crazy sharpie stroke!’
Condi glowed as she gazed lovingly at the only man she ever shared her ‘special’ with.. well, that is, since the blizzard of 2014 socked her in with the Hell’s Angels in Henrietta.
‘Oh E, the president sent a check! Made out to us! In his handwriting! This means we can buy new toilet bowl planters for the patch of dirt we call the front lawn! and some lovely negro lawn jockeys!’
Cartman and Lisa were playing catch with a broken lightbulb, bored, not because school was suspended, but because their trailer TV only picked up Fox News thru the rabbit ears.
Eephus gave Condi a squeeze on her ample ‘cheeks’ and whispered the words that made Condi swoon with passion …’Dinosaur takeout tonight, babe’.
Eephus rushed to his bank, the Henrietta Loan and Loan, and presented the check for cashing…Olive Lucinda, the prim and proper teller, held the check up to the light, and with the greatest smile, confirmed that it was , indeed, gen u ine government paper…she ran the check through the automated casher, and red lights blinked a wildly..
‘Hmm’…said Olive, ‘that’s strange…something appears to be not quite right.’
Eephus was astonished and dismayed to see the words ‘insufficient funds’ flash across the terminal.
‘Sorry, Mr. Jabs, this check has no backup from the government of China, therefore you might want to use it as toilet paper, which has great value these days.’
Rick, who was waiting in line behind the Jabster, did not qualify for the Trumpy check, but did have gold bars that he cashed in to buy a year’s supply of portobello mushrooms at the farmers market.
Cause portobellos fight off the corona.
Eephus loved his president, and as all Trumpers do, found a way to make it all good…
As he flew open the door to his double wide, he smiled and screamed, ‘Honey, look at this fine toilet paper I bring to you..we ain’t got to use the french poodle no more.’
Condi was disappointed as a wet hen about the toilet bowl planters, and the negro lawn jockeys, but she soon settled in front of the TV with her MAN, cheetos, and a 12 pack of coronas.